WHAT IS A "FUNCTIONING" ADDICT?

 Just what is a “Functioning Addict”?

When people think of your standard issue “drug addict”, I believe they picture someone curled up in the fetal position in a crack house that has been on a binger for the last 5 days; possibly, someone unkempt, disheveled, and generally in need of some personal hygiene. Employment and contributions to society are either non-existent, or minimal. To me, this is definitely someone “non-functioning”.

As a functioning addict, I arose on time, shaved, went to work every day, and from the perspective and perception of all outside spectators I was a law-abiding citizen and contributing to society in a positive manner.  I went to church every Sunday, paid my taxes, got the kids ready for bed, mowed the lawn, and worked on my “honey-do” list on the weekend.  Was I a better person and less addicted then the aforementioned? Absolutely not.

In fact, I would argue, I was worse. I was living a life of deception and surreptitious behavior. At least the non-functioning drug addict, consciously or not, had the decency to commit themselves 100% to their debauchery.  I, on the other hand, was expending colossal amounts of energy hiding my addiction and attempting to live a double life, pretending that “all is well” in Garyland.  Oh, it worked for a while. As I lost touch with the reality I projected, and more deeply embraced the true and absolute reality of my addiction, I couldn’t see that everyone around me knew I was chemically aloof.  I actually believed I was pulling it off. I began to isolate from my family and be a recluse at work. I stopped answering or returning phone calls.  I lost my ambitions and never made plans or set goals.  I literally lived from one dose to the next. My job performance plummeted, and my once busy social life began to slide into lethargy. People just knew I wasn’t “me” and didn’t want to be around me.  This perpetuated my isolation and anti-social behavior.  I was physically where I needed to be when I needed to be there, but all sense of purpose and desire to do so was absent.  All of my motives changed.  I could “act” friendly for small increments of time but only to gain trust or intel on how I could use the relationship to continue in my addiction.  It was a terrible shift from light to dark while passing through many shades of grey.

This terrible shift did not begin when I was 12; it began when I was 35! My consummate pursuit of professionalism and respect were replaced with the only worthwhile pursuit in life…chemically altering my mind to hide from feeling emotional pain, guilt, shame, and remorse of the soul.  I knew I was hurting others, but I came first. My addiction. My friend.  My ONLY priority in life was to ensure that I had enough “pain management” to get me through the next day.

I have learned that there are so many of us that are self-medicating to hide from our underlying issues and struggles in life.  We will continue to do so until we have tallied up enough bad karma and life decides to call our tab due. We are skilled professionals.  We are educated.  We are soccer moms.  We are civil servants.  We are housewives.  We are church members.  We are leaders in our careers and our community.  We are family and friends.  We are in pain and we hurt others. We are sorry.  We love you. We are cracked and breaking and running out of duct tape.  We need help, not scorn.

                  We are “FUNCTIONING ADDICTS”.