ADVICE TO LOVED ONES

Nobody wakes up one morning and says, “Hey, today I think I’ll become addicted to drugs!” (At least I hope not)  I don’t believe children consciously set a life goal to become addicted to anything.  Once in the grips of addiction I believe most of us don’t want to be there at all.  I certainly didn’t.  It doesn’t happen in one moment.  It is a series of choices that enslave you.  

Much of the world believes that you can “Just stop it!”  Guess what? If it was a series of choices, justifications, and concessions that put you in that hole then, logically, it will take a series of choices, resolutions, and perseverance to get you out.  Basic math.

Unfortunately, not all people have the tools, avenues, guidance, and inner fortitude to do it on their own. In fact, I would say almost every body does not.  Our attitude will determine which of these elements we will seek for change and healing. Our attitude towards our addiction changes as our circumstances change.  For some, consequences are of no importance. For others, consequences drive us to seek change.  This is called “hitting your bottom.”  It is a different place for every individual.  My “bottom” may not be your “bottom”. This is a very personal place where you have a grand realization or, “A-ha! Moment” in your life that; the pain of the problem is worse than the pain of the solution.

It is said that untreated addiction will lead us to only three places:

1) Jails

2) Institutions; or

3) Death.

Well, I’m 2 out of 3 now and came dang close to the third more than once.

It is a slide that, for me, was so gradual I didn’t recognize the changes in my life happening so subtly. I was like the frog in the pot of water on the stove.  When the temperature increases so gradually that it goes unrecognized, before you know it, you’re boiled alive. 

I haven’t decided, at this point, whether a graphic re-telling of my mistakes would be therapeutic.  I do know that I want to focus on the possibility of emerging victorious.  I also understand that to comprehend the extent of my joy, you must, to some degree, comprehend the extent of my misery.  My behavior constituted an egregious violation of trust, both public and personal.  The wake of destruction that I had left was wide and thorough.

I would like to share one thought to anyone who has been harmed by addiction, especially at the hands of those we love. Being addicted to something…ANYthing, does not mean we love our wives, children, friends, or Savior any less.  It just means that our addiction makes it very difficult to demonstrate that love.  There is a tremendous amount of guilt and shame that is firmly affixed on our backs that is carried everywhere we go.  This is not justification; this is factual. Until we hit our “bottom”, we will inevitably build walls, isolate, deceive, and pretend.  It’s the only way to function in the midst of our personal chaos.

The best advice I can give anyone who has a loved one gripped in the bonds of addiction, and is continually hurt or betrayed by them is to STEP BACK. Don't drown yourself to save them. Take steps to protect yourself. Distance yourself from their addictive behaviors and, as hard as it may seem, allow natural consequences to occur.  Job, relationship, legal, and social consequences have a way of “helping” people find their bottom. There is a difference between being sorry that you got fired, broke a relationship, or got caught, and being sorry to the point that you’ll do whatever it takes to change.  The first is a list of false bottoms; the latter is the only true bottom. 

Thanks for reading,

Gary the Humbled

Next post: My “Bottom”